I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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