sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
