My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
