you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
