I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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