kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
