Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
