Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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