I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
