i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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