I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
