shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
