omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
