I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
