the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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