Pappa wants mamma naked
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
