thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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