Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
