drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
