Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
