he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
