There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
