im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
