I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize