dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
