he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
