The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
