oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
