You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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