Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
