I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
...so i touched it.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
handjob tips. give me some.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
