Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
