I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
