you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
