Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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