I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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