hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
The adults are the big ones right?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
