for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
