this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
