im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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