It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
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