You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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