i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
