how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
