Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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