I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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