finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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