I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
she woke up with a sticky ear
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
