dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
