I wanna bring you to show and tell
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
