Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
