She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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