I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
