The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
